Service in Presence and Absence

21-25.12.2023

A series of meditations followed the Spiritual Exercises 101-118, contemplating the Incarnation and the Nativity of Christ with additions from my Companion.

In these exercises, St. Ignatius provides very precise instructions on what and when to present, where and in what sequence to direct attention, and which senses to engage. For me, this proved to be quite challenging. I am accustomed to everything that arises in my imagination, understanding, and feelings during meditation occurring effortlessly and almost without the strain of will. I feel as though I am being “led” and everything is “shown” to me. However, now, in strict order, it was difficult to maintain concentration, and I had to exert my attention. It took me two meditations before I finally thought to invite Christ into everything I was contemplating and to entrust all the images to Him. I simply imagined Him beside me, as if accompanying me. After that, everything returned to normal). He Himself guided me where needed and showed me all that was necessary).

During one of the contemplations of the Incarnation, the thought came to me that no one with original sin and the mindset based on it could have borne what Mary bore. It is possible that she was not only freed from original sin and its consequences but also did not possess that erroneous way of thinking that leads to mistakes. Perhaps she could think as the first humans did before original sin: to rely completely on God, to see reality, and to have no false assumptions or representations based on her ego, etc. And yet, she did not outwardly manifest this in any striking way. But it was precisely this quality that allowed her to humbly and devotedly accept God's will, to respond with the famous “Yes,” and to endure all that came after. It is very hard to imagine that someone with our standard type of thinking and judgement would be capable of such…

Before starting one of the meditations, I opened the Spiritual Exercises on my computer. During meditations, He often plays with the technology; He might simply turn off the computer if my reflections go off track and turn it back on as soon as I return to the right path. And then a thought flashed through my mind… “This could happen again, and then I would have to ponder what went wrong, searching for where to go… So, I’ll download the Spiritual Exercises onto my phone. The reader has never let me down; I’ll see what happens.” So, I downloaded the fb2 file and opened it on my Android in AlReader. This software has never let me down.

The meditation proceeded as usual until I reached Spiritual Exercises 114. I completed that point and swiped the screen to go further… But it wouldn’t swipe! Swiping up and down jolted the page and did not move away from Spiritual Exercises 114; swiping left didn’t work at all, while swiping right turned the page but not completely, so that Spiritual Exercises 114 remained on the screen, and when I swiped right again, the page returned to its original position! I closed the app, reopened it – nothing changed! Except I hadn’t tried restarting the phone. Ha-ha-ha))) What a clever trick!))) What a way to deceive and make my life easier!)

When He plays with the computer, it’s a bit easier to accept; my mind understands that there could be a general system failure or something similar, a multitude of potential reasons. I can imagine and explain it to myself, and I have long since gotten used to that. But when a failure occurs during meditation in something I have come to regard as very reliable, it is perceived with less calm)).

At that moment, my wife entered the room. She was already preparing to leave so as not to disturb the meditation, but I called her over, handed her the phone, and asked her to swipe through it. Then I told her how I had tried to be clever, and we laughed. Then I continued, of course, on Spiritual Exercises 114.
When the meditation ended, I decided to take a screenshot of this glitch for memory. But as soon as I began to screenshot the screen, everything started working as it should!))) Ha-ha-ha!))) Laughing, I went downstairs and handed the phone back to my wife, asking her to swipe through the pages in the reader. I said, “Look, I finished the meditation and wanted to screenshot it for memory.” She just smiled and shrugged her shoulders).

But why all of this was necessary and where He was pointing, I only fully understood the next day when I repeated this exercise. In Spiritual Exercises 114, St. Ignatius writes:

The first point: Mentally see [those present] – the Holy Virgin,
Joseph, the servant, and the Infant Jesus after His birth, imagining myself as an unworthy and
poor servant; to contemplate them, to observe them, and with respect and as much
as possible with reverence to serve them in their needs, as if I were truly present there,
being as it were the last beggar and unworthy slave. And then
to devote myself to reflection, in order to derive [from all this] benefit.

I fully imagined myself in the role of a servant standing before living people, picturing how I would address specific everyday issues. In this situation, I would certainly be joyful, extremely attentive, and observant, applying all the ingenuity I could muster to do something for them, trying to anticipate their needs, and so on.
And here another important revelation occurred. This state and mood are no different from those that arise when I engage in something that truly captivates me, when I manifest those qualities that are embedded and developed in me better than others – my “talents.” In other words, this is my vocation. By fulfilling it, I carry out His will in the best possible way and serve His glory.
And if there, at the manger, I were to stop behaving as I described, it would simply be unacceptable. It is unlikely that any of the “lords” would tolerate different behaviour.
This is true not only for the imagined scene but for life as a whole. There is no neutrality; either we fulfil our vocation, or we are in a state of wasting time, essentially in a state of sin. This resembles the state of King David in 2 Samuel 11:1, when it was the time for all kings to go out to war, and he stayed behind, i.e., he ceased to fulfil his role and vocation. This state of “emptiness” later led to grave sins and consequences. That is why we must strive for the absence of “emptiness,” i.e., the absence of everything that does not work towards our vocation and fulfilling His will. And this means we must constantly monitor the intention with which we perform any actions.

Perhaps this is precisely what St. Ignatius is trying to lead us to when in the preparatory prayer of Spiritual Exercises 46 he uses the words “all,” “only,” “exclusively.”

The preparatory prayer is the asking of grace from the Lord
God, that all my intentions, deeds, and actions may be directed solely and
exclusively to the service and praise of His Divine Majesty.

If only for a moment one could imagine a life without a single second wasted on emptiness, a life in full awareness and purposefulness for His glory, it takes one’s breath away at the unfolding productivity and quality of lived moments! But for now, we are so far from that)..