Joyful Sufferings

02.12.2023 10:45

Today during meditation, there was a very beautiful moment. I went to an unfamiliar church to conduct one of the recently started Spiritual Exercises there.

As is often the case in winter in Poland, a screen made of thick fabric was set up right behind the main large door of the church to keep the warmth when people enter and exit.

I opened the door and, hearing the sounds of the Mass that had started shortly before my arrival, stopped in front of the screen. The thought flashed through my mind to come back later when the Mass was over and it would be quiet. And just as I thought that, the screen swung open! Behind it stood a woman who led me inside the church and, brushing snow off my coat with a smile, said, “Czekam dzisiaj na was wszystkich!” (“I’m waiting for all of you today!”)
And she left!)))

Of course, after such an “invitation,” I stayed for the Mass until the very end)).

Then I began my meditation kneeling and gradually decided that I could spend the whole hour that way. The Bible text was silent, and the meditation proceeded by listening to the signs around. My knees gradually began to hurt – I hadn’t knelt for so long in a while). Before me, among the images of Christ, there was only the cross with Him crucified, and I began to ponder suffering, how strongly it contrasts with how He called me into the church. And this… is an interesting contrast. We are invited to a feast with great joy, but there will be suffering. Understanding and accepting such a combination is still difficult for me. The Lord and suffering, happiness and suffering. Oh, I feel that Easter this year will be tough in its understanding, it seems like I’m slowly being led to experience this theme).

And then the following happened (it’s worth adding that everything happened with a smile and such light humour inside):

About halfway through the meditation, the woman cleaning the floor in the church reached my pew, and I stood up to give her space. That was a big mistake)). When I tried to kneel again, I felt such intense pain from the unfamiliarity! It took considerable effort to remain standing. At that moment, I looked at the cross again and said to Him: “I can sit on the pew at any moment and stop this suffering, but in all Your might, You somehow couldn’t stop Yours.” After this thought, my knees hurt much less. And then I suddenly felt unwell inside, not pain, but with such a general bad feeling. I felt nauseous, weak, etc. It happened very quickly and was so bad that something had to be done urgently. I straightened my back and with strong will “told” my body to pull itself together. I always do this in case of acute necessity, it always works with any ailments. I let a very strong wave of image and feeling pass from bottom to top. But the body didn’t respond! At all! A very strange feeling, as if something extinguished this command of mine.

I sat on the pew, but it didn’t get better). I remembered the sufferings of St. Faustina and thought: “How she suffered throughout her life! What I feel inside now is very similar to the description of sufferings in her diary. And she couldn’t control or choose them either… Only dedicated them to Him. Damn, I feel so awful! Well, am I suffering in vain?). Jesus, listen, maybe I should try to dedicate this to You, as Faustina did? It seems You said that the mere intention eases Your sufferings… I really have no idea how this is done, but if it really makes it easier for You in any way, take it).”

And at that very moment, I understood everything and quietly laughed. He put me in a position where I also couldn’t cancel my sufferings! How naive were the thoughts that I could sit on the pew and stop the pain without considering His will in the moment. That He accepted the same conditions, submitting to the will of the Father, is simply astonishing. Understanding and remembering this is incredibly important.

Of course, after these thoughts and conclusions, I immediately felt better, and the ailment disappeared. Lesson learned). Not the most pleasant teaching methods)). Although the humour and manner are still the same.

When I knelt before leaving the church, I thought about how to touch the floor with my knee and not fall)). And then I went to stretch and chase away the remaining tremors in my body).