Your Gift

Luke 5:27-32
The scribes and the Pharisees grumbled and said to His disciples, Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?
But Jesus answered them, ‘Those who are well have no need of a physician, but the sick;
I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.’

#letterToYura

I saw Jesus coming out of a low house full of people, walking through a parting crowd. How He approached Levi, and they walked down the street together. People coming out of the house and pressing around were noisy, clamorous; someone prayed loudly on their knees. I noticed many unfriendly looks, whispers, condemnation. Malicious onlookers gathered in little groups and pointed at Jesus. He and Levi continued along the street, ignoring it, but I stayed to be there for a while. Public condemnation is a very important, cornerstone theme for me.

Then I found myself in a small but cosy room, lit by a hearth and candles, almost without furniture; in the middle stood a long table, many people sat and lay around it, and there was much food and wine on the table. People spoke loudly to one another, occasional bursts of laughter rang out. Jesus was half-reclining on something like a mattress and eating grapes. He was smiling. There was a place beside Him to sit, but I thought it would be inappropriate, since women do not sit with them but bring them food and drink. I took a jug of wine and carried it to the table. I poured wine into His cup and was about to step back, but He patted the place beside Him with His hand. Well then, all right, You do set the rules) I sat down closer to Him, and He put His arm around me. He was serene.

Some angry face appeared in the window and began to protest about whom He was sitting with and sharing food. I heard the sound of voices and realised that there were many indignant people around the house. He calmly replied that He had come to call not the righteous but sinners.

— I have come to heal them. I am the Healer.

I had questions and I took up my notes. After that I kept returning to the room with Him from time to time, then writing in my notebook again:

**

Why are people aggressive toward You for helping sinners?

Because You undo their false self-justification. I feel that placing oneself above others is a sin greater than tax-collecting. As if they want to reach the Kingdom of Heaven at somebody else’s expense. But only one’s own labour, one’s own righteousness and honesty, and Your boundless Love and Mercy, Your Forgiveness can lead there. Whether sinners surround us or the righteous, You do not compare us with others. You hold us accountable.

The devil is angry through them because You expose his deception. He wants them to turn away from You, to lead them back into the gloom of delusion.

Why do other people get angry with me (often in my imagination) or judge me? For example, my family. I no longer want to work as a programmer and I will not look for another job. I know they will take it negatively. Why?

Because they are full of fear of chaos and the unknown. They cling to social rules, and when those closest to them break them, the fear grows. They are angry that the fear has increased, and that it is because of me. If they can force me back into the frame, they hope the fear will lessen.

And why am I afraid of their fear, of their anger?

Because I try to rely on their love. Only where there is fear can there be no love. There is only its promise in return for compliance. I rely on what is not there, and even if it were, it would not belong to me.

Love is You. I sin and You love me. That is what trust is for: to lean on Your Love, I must accept that You will not take it away.

It is Your gift.

In all this vast world, in all the chaos that is not yet given to me to grasp, there is only one unshakable thing on which I can lean.

You.

And in the hour when others, even those close to me, grow angry, turn away from me, condemn me, I will not be afraid, for I go with You, and You hold my hand.

**

I asked Him for a visual communion to finish the meditation. Attuning myself, I felt I was in a boat opposite Him; He was at the oars. We rowed along a beautiful river, surrounded by trees that formed a green canopy over us through which threads of sunlight streamed. It was very beautiful. We rowed against the current and stopped near a lovely waterfall and the pool beneath it. We got out and walked to a rock; I wondered what awaited me. We sat together beneath a spreading tree, in the shade, on soft grass and began to look at the waterfall. Nothing happened. And I realised—there would be no task. There is nothing to deserve. This is all for me, simply. Simply because it is beautiful, simply because He loves.

And I wept.

On parting, I kissed His hand, woven with my fingers.