Devilish Snares

All the remaining meditations this week are dedicated to sins. I write them down in long lists. Collected in one notebook, they look impressive.

Here are some conclusions and reflections under those lists:

I was ready to give up both body and soul, and mind for social success. No self-respect, just complete self-sale.

It's painful to see how agonisingly I feared that I was superfluous in this world, that there was no place for me, and that I shouldn't live.

There is so little humility in me. The desires of the ego tear me apart.

I am afraid for a thousand reasons. I am afraid that I won't be able to raise my daughter alone. I am afraid that I won't fulfil the purpose for which I was born. I am afraid that time is slipping away, passing wastefully and irretrievably.

I am afraid of being ridiculed and cast out.

This week, everything I don't plan goes awry. Tasks get stuck or pile up all at once.

Planning is my way of escaping anxiety about the future. I am afraid because my main mindset is that I am alone against the whole world. I see the world and the future as aggressive towards me. I am constantly in a defensive position towards the world.

Therefore, I can never rest, I do not allow myself to lose vigilance and relax. It turns out, I need a leap of faith to a point where I need to defend myself, where I am already under protection.

It's difficult to unclench muscles that have never relaxed.

It's like the "Devil's Snare" that Ron Weasley got stuck in. It means all I need is trust and a little sunlight.