Mother of the Church and My Mother

Once the Virgin Mary and everything connected with Her was for me merely an image and seemed unrelated to my life. It was difficult for me to see in Her — not theoretically, but truly — my Mother.

My shell was cracking as Mary met me from the very first days of the Spiritual Exercises, with motherly care and concern she warned me from the threshold about the difficulties and, I will not be afraid of the word, appeared to me. I did not see Her with my eyes, but my heart saw and recognised Her.

She was not a sword. She often appeared without special effects, like an ordinary hard-working woman who felt everything deeply. Perhaps that was Her beauty — in silence, simplicity and sincerity. Gradually I came to realise that Mary is the first person I can trust.

I'll give a couple of examples of what Mary was like for me during the Spiritual Exercises.

###

I am beneath the Cross. A strange picture: the Cross sinks into the ground by its base so that Jesus is at my level. He is in agony. I embrace Him, I smell blood and vinegar, the cold and stickiness of the body. I hear sobbing. Who is crying? Me? Mary? The crowd? But the tension was building inside me too. Tears gathered of their own accord.

Someone from the crowd says:

- 'Aren't you one of His disciples?'

I am silent. I press against Jesus. And then I see fragments.

A soldier tries to push me away from the Cross, shoves me, I fall and he threatens me with his spear, pressing it against my chest.

Jesus calls to the Father. 'Into Your hands I commend my spirit...' And that's it. Then Mary came in. I fall into Her arms. She holds me tight, then takes my head in Her hands — face to face — and says (I then realise that it is with the words of Psalm 41, which I had altogether forgotten for the meditation, although I ought to have taken it as my starting point):

- 'Put your hope in God; you will yet praise Him.'

I understand that behind my back the spear is piercing Jesus' side. Mary holds me.

- 'Put your trust in God, do you hear me? Do not cease to believe!'

###

The Lord made it clear that He had some plan for me, and Mary helped to bring it about. In several meditations I saw Mary preparing me like a bride: a white dress, hair, a wreath... In others the trembling garment was replaced by armour, forming the role allotted to me by God in His host; I saw Mary fastening it on me. She literally served and accompanied me. Even in meditations where initially I clearly did not sense Her presence, later, returning to them, the Lord allowed me to see Her, usually quietly praying or listening, ready at any moment to take my hand like a child. Mary led me to the King after the 'wedding preparations' and handed my hand to Him. In this she helped me to be strengthened in my vocation.

The closest encounter with Mary occurred during the contemplation of the scenes of the Nativity. I will give an excerpt from my notes:

###

The cave.

I wring rainwater from some cloth, place a roll on Mary's forehead. She is lying, breathing. It begins. My hands are cold, I tremble with excitement. Mary holds my hand tightly, very tightly. Suddenly a light blinds me; I do not see what is happening, but I understand that — the birth.

The next shot I see Mary holding Jesus. And I place my hands over Hers and touch Jesus as if with Mary's hands. I am in some kind of stupor, afraid of doing anything to disturb, in every movement uncertainty and the question: 'May I?' I should say that I treat all very small children like this )

Then.

Jesus is almost asleep, but sometimes whimpers because He is cold. Mary again asks me to hum softly to Him. I do as Mary says, and He falls asleep. I feel peace and tenderness. The cave no longer feels like a cave. It is now a home )

Conversation. Sitting on my knees, I look up at Mary with Jesus, at Joseph. With amazement, almost like fear, which turns more into reverence.

- 'Why are you so gracious to me? I have not deserved this: to be so close...'

Mary looks at the Infant.

- 'Nor are we. Can we be worthy of this... (the Infant) But God Himself came down to us, so who are we not to