Rise, child

Yura gave me a piece of advice — to push through by sheer will.
That always works.

Incarnation. Day 1

At the beginning of the meditation I see the Earth from space; it slowly draws nearer until images from all over the planet begin to fall onto me, and almost all of them are connected with violence and war: a missile striking an apartment building in Kyiv, bursts of automatic fire in some village, terrible car crashes, relatives screaming with grief after an air disaster, a husband beating his wife and children crying around them, people dying in hospitals, the explosion of an atomic bomb, slavery, drunken people in a Moscow nightclub snorting cocaine, mountains of money in suitcases, explosions and gunshots again and again, and it seems there will be no end to it. It goes on so long that I have to force myself out of that part of the visualisation in order to move on.

Then I imagine the Three Divine Persons looking at all this; I do not see Them themselves, but an image comes to me: people, millions of people all over the planet, spinning on the spot looking down at their feet until they sink into the ground. It is a bitter sight. I reflect: how often do I look from above exactly like that — buried in petty problems, fussing, having forgotten the main thing and who I am.

It is hard to say whether I hear this dialogue or it simply appears in my head as sudden thoughts:

— They must be brought out.
— You will be born a human and will show them whom they are truly following now, and what exactly they are losing.
— I will take upon Myself some of their sins and bear them. I will accompany them. I will be with them in all their deeds. With each one.
— You will share human life with them. You will become like them so that they may become like You.

Here I am profoundly moved. Gradually comes the realisation of WHO stoops down to us, loves us (!) and wishes to save us. The magnitude of this Soul cannot be contained in either mind or heart.

And then it is time for Mary. I see Nazareth, a small stone house and a girl walking from it along the street with a jug.

Such goodness radiates from Her that my soul warms after all the horrors I have seen. She smiles so brightly, as if there is no evil in the world at all — or at least none in Her. In people I have never seen such an astonishing combination of the purest humility and joy in life. I try always to enter meditation without expectations, but Her effect on me turns out to be especially surprising. Before, when I saw Her in paintings or icons, especially Orthodox ones, I would feel sad and somehow heavy at heart; sorrow and melancholy would press down on me. This Girl makes everything light and warm, and hope appears. I watch Her for a while as She walks, waters flowers from the jug, greets neighbours warmly, accepts Her destiny with calm, and how much trust there is in it.

I try to prepare for the concluding conversation, reminding myself that whether I shall see Him or not is not for me to decide, so I will simply say everything that is on my heart. And I tell Him how hard it was for me, but now it is easier, how grateful I am for all that He does, how I cannot find words to express Who He is in my eyes, and so on, just a stream of emotion.

I see Him at first rather indistinctly and, without even trying to make out where we are, swept by the impulse I sit at His feet. He strokes my head while I continue speaking. Then I lift my eyes to Him; He looks down at me with that very aching gentleness that makes my eyes sting and a lump rise in my throat. He reaches out His hands to me and says:

— Rise, child.

I stand up and He lays His hands on my shoulders.

— We have a long way to go yet.
— To walk with You is my will and my choice, I answer.
— Then let us go.

And we went.

— With You everything is easier, I smiled, feeling how the nasty knot of doubt, helplessness and despondency finally untied itself and released me.