Immediacy

13-14.12.2023

Prior to the events described below, I had meditated on 2 Kings 12:1-13 and Psalm 50(51), and the day before that on 2 Kings 11.

During my meditation, I contemplated how easily a person can fall into error, even after having been very close to God not long ago. Perhaps it is all due to original sin and our way of thinking.
David in the psalm speaks of how the Lord prefers a broken spirit over sacrifices. “Broken” is when everything that hinders reliance on God has been removed. But can one be broken not only through suffering but also through inspiration? Each to their own. Can we share inspiration, and can we guide someone onto this path? And can we choose the way we are taught? How might this relate to our calling?

As I pondered these thoughts, my meditation came to an end with the last question about calling, and suddenly an incredibly vivid and intense image burst into my mind. Although it seemed like a figment of my imagination, with my desperate attempts to stop it and find some meaning in what was happening, there was an important lesson hidden within the vision. Below is what I saw.

I found myself again with Him on a dirt road in the foothills.
I saw myself sitting on a large stone. The stone was warm, the weather was pleasant, and it felt very nice to sit there. I lit a cigarette, dreamily gazing into the distance…
“Stop! I have never smoked, what is this nonsense?… – I thought, – Where did this come from!? What kind of fantasy is this!?”

I tried to dismiss the image – it didn’t work! Again and again, I found myself sitting on the stone, taking a drag, while He stood beside me! No, this is not my imagination. I surrendered and stopped fighting it. “Let the image flow,” – I decided.

Jesus knocked the cigarette out of my mouth! I coughed and, waving my hands to disperse the smoke, looked at Him with a bewildered expression.

– What is happening!? I have never smoked at all. What is this? Is my mind, like a young playful dog, throwing up images and You are knocking them down?…

He simply stood there smiling in response.
Then He took my hands, lifted me off the stone, and began to twirl, laugh, and dance!.. I, not understanding anything, also started to laugh).

– WHAT IS HAPPENING!? What are You doing😄? Or is my imagination throwing up nonsense? I have never seen anything like this! What are You showing me?

We stopped, He laughed, and with a playful humour in His eyes, looked at me as if to say, think.

I returned to the room and began to reflect in complete astonishment. After a while, it dawned on me. He was showing me that on one hand, I learn by making obvious mistakes in life, akin to harmful habits like smoking, and on the other hand, I am playing, enjoying, and having fun. A reference to a thought I had read long ago that we all learn and play in life.

I returned to the road.

– So I understood, I make mistakes, learn, and play. The game of life. But what does this have to do with the calling, the thought of which I concluded my meditation? You are talking about it?

Then my gaze fell on His sandals, or rather on how expressively He stepped in them.

– The path, I am walking my path, making mistakes, playing, and fooling around. That is, I am gaining experience. Listen, I remember this metaphor “to play and learn”, we are all to some extent playing and learning here, – I said.

Then He stopped and stood directly in front of me.

– Look into My eyes.
– Why)? Behind them is the universe, I know, I have been there before. Tell me, why are You showing me all this?

He took my hand.

– Look!

I, still completely bewildered by everything happening, desperately tried to check if this was my imagination, interfering with the image, willfully adding something of my own. I tried to imagine Him taking my other hand, but nothing worked! Everything extraneous was pushed away, dispersed, and the image returned.

– Alright, alright! I am looking! – I surrendered.

Behind the eyes, there truly was the universe, one could drown and dissolve in it.

– Listen, what is happening? What are You showing me? You are holding my hand, and at the same time, You are the universe, the Creator, and all this all-encompassing. Alright, I see all this, I have seen it before, but what does it all mean? – but He did not answer.

Then I saw Him stepping along the road, leading into the distance, towards a far-off unattainable peak.

– You are leading me to the Father. You are the Universe and You are my guide, taking my hand and leading me. This is Your “calling”. You are fulfilling the calling by obeying the will of the Father.

We stopped.

– Listen, wait, hold on. The question of calling keeps spinning in my head, are You showing me something about it? I understand that I am walking this path, playing, and learning. And in doing so, I am fulfilling Your will. But, listen, I can play in a thousand different ways, yet for some reason, I am doing exactly what I am doing and in exactly the way I am doing it. You are teaching me something right now, just now You were dancing and twirling with me, but we could have done anything! Look!

And I showed Him what I do in life. On the road appeared the things and situations I had created. He looked at all of it and smiled with such reproach.

– Alright, alright, this is all You created through me, well of course. But for some reason, You created exactly this and not something else! For some reason, Your inspiration in me is exactly where it is, and not in other things and spheres.

I was thrown back into the room. At that moment, my wife came in and laid out the prepared clothes right in front of me for our daughter to take in the morning before school. I was used to the fact that during meditation, nothing happens without reason, and there are hints in everything. “She cares and prepares in advance, obviously. What is this for?” – I thought.

We found ourselves again with Him on the road.

– She cares. I must play my game and fulfil Your will while caring for Your other servants?.. Listen, what kind of rollercoaster is this, I don’t understand anything😅.

Then we simply stood together and looked into the distance. For some reason, I felt a strong urge to say: “Thy will be done, but not mine.” And I slowly uttered: “Thy will be done, but not mine. Thy will, but not mine.” I repeated these words again and again. So clear, but at that moment it seemed to me that something was not quite right, as if behind them I was not seeing something else. Something very important that He was showing me in all this dancing. “…Thy will, but not mine…” – such sweetness, such happiness flowed through me from uttering these words. I was filled with the care and love that is embedded in His Will. Time passed this way. Then I decided to kneel before Him, and just as I began to bend down, He stopped me and lifted me up.

– Listen, that is not important right now, get up, let’s go.

He walked ahead of me, a little distance away, clearing large stones from the path. He did not touch them; they simply rolled off the road under His gaze.

– Are You caring? You also care? You are showing that You prepare the way ahead of me on the path to the Father? Yes, thanks to You, I have a little understanding of Who You are and who I am, and what a chasm lies between us, and yet You Yourself are preparing the way for me to Your Father. Just this is amazing. But everything that is happening today is some kind of madness, why are You showing me so much at once? And still, is this related to the calling?

As if in response to these questions, we stopped.
He approached, stood opposite me, took me by the shoulders, and looked into my eyes. Apparently, to prevent me from asking unnecessary questions, trying to check anything, and to look back into them immediately.

– Okay, I’m looking.

I fell into His eyes, behind them was a ringing black void and a distant, fading sound like a gong. Then silence fell.

– Is this the universe? I used to see galaxies, stars, and planets here.

Again I tried to add something to the image and drift towards the familiar lights of stars, but nothing worked; the quiet void remained a void. And then, as if from beyond the limits of this void, an indistinguishable voice slowly faded away. And through the emptiness, a thin impulse passed, difficult to describe in words. After this impulse, I swiftly soared through the void towards the Earth.

– Earth? Did You show how Your will created our planet?

As if in response, I saw it in cross-section, flew around the surface, observing mountains, clouds, greenery. Indeed, our Earth.

And then, behind the misty clouds, little lights began to shimmer with a cold white light. As if someone had just scattered them across the surface. They were scattered quite sparsely. Then beams of light began to emerge from them, some going straight up, others in arcs, like solar prominences, only with a white translucent light. And across the entire planet, this light play began to bubble with different heights, intensities, and widths of beams.

I fell down to one of the glowing points and saw a woman sitting by a wall with a child. She looked poor, but was completely calm, and her gaze was very… clear. I seemed to feel her state.

– The humble?.. Are the glowing points the true humble, relying on You? Yes, like coarse salt scattered across the earth, it really seems so.

I was transported back up.

– Show me the humble in abundance. In poverty, it is clear; show me the humble in plenty.

I fell again to one of the points and saw a woman sitting at a large white table in a luxurious interior. She emanated the same sense of calm and inner support. If it weren’t for the external, I wouldn’t find a difference between the two. From her rose a column of translucent white light, and light waves spread around. Jesus appeared beside me in the room.

– Do they help You distribute Your “wi-fi”? To fulfil Your will?

In response, He nodded towards the woman.

– Look.

She stood up and went outside, entered a shop across the street, and then He sent her such a subtle… impulse, and immediately after that, she took out some medallion from her pocket in front of the cashier and, as if by habit, twirling it in her hands, paid. The cashier’s gaze fell on the medallion, and at that moment a series of associations flashed through his mind, after which he realised something very important in life. He pondered and resolved to take some step.

We transported back to the house. The woman at the same table was writing a message to someone in a messenger. He nodded towards her again.

– Look.

A transparent wave flowed from Him and, touching the woman, birthed in her the inspiration and desire to write a certain thing to her interlocutor. She sent the message, and we transported to the recipient and saw how he was filled with warm, kind joy from what he had read.

Jesus again became the universe around me and I soared up, above the earth. This time I noticed that some of the columns of light were quite thin, some thicker, but there were simply enormous ones.

– Will You show me that huge beam?

We transported to some house. In his office, a man was sitting in a chair at a desk, pondering something. Jesus approached him very warmly, as if reading his thoughts and well understanding what was embedded in them.

– Your very diligent servant? – I asked.

And then we found ourselves again on the road together. He picked me up like a child and placed me on His shoulders! I straightened up and stood tall. Then He ran along the road in zigzags, holding me by the legs so I wouldn’t fall, laughing and buzzing like an airplane! Just like adults fool around with children! It was not difficult to keep my balance; I was laughing too))).

– Ha-ha-ha))) Wait, put me down)) You know that I want to write all this down, the one who reads this will think it’s all nonsense!)) Ha-ha-ha)) What does all this mean?))

He took me down and placed me on his shoulders, as one usually carries children. Then He simply walked down the road ahead. I tried to remember these moments. The wind blowing towards us, the landscape swaying slightly in my eyes from the steps. “Just think, You are carrying us along this path, despite the incomprehensible chasm and difference between us…” – flashed through my mind. As I write these lines now, tears well up in my eyes. One can feel one’s poverty (hello, St. Sister Faustina 😉) even while fooling around with Him.

He set me down on the ground.

– You were showing me that to reveal one’s purpose, one must completely rely on You and Your will? How do You rely on the Will of the Father? There is no need to seek anything; You will do everything through us just as through those humble? But then why all these ways of determining one’s strengths and… Are they necessary for us if our way of thinking resembles original sin and we cannot fully lean on You and accept Your will? Is calling just as much an illusion as the world and our bodies? And does it only work while we are on earth? – a stream of thoughts and conclusions burst forth from me, my mind desperately trying to find meaning in what was happening and somehow justify what I had seen.

He smiled and shook His head. It was time for us to finish for today, and apparently, the answers would come later. I felt a strong physical fatigue.

– Um... And how do I say goodbye to You now)? You were just fooling around here and I’m supposed to fall on my knees))?

He simply embraced me in farewell and dissolved into the air right from the embrace, as if passing through me.

– Now until the next meditation, You will be around in events and the surrounding world)?..

I transported back to my room.

So how was it?😄
What a ride). If you multiply this plot by the vivid feelings that accompanied it, you can somewhat imagine the degree of my astonishment and confusion).

Immediately after the meditation, I shared with my wife and recounted everything to her). The degree of her astonishment was incomparably less than mine, but nonetheless))).
During the telling, I noticed that the images and memories were melting away like snow under a warm drizzle, like a bright dream quickly disappearing from memory upon waking in the morning.
Therefore, I decided to write down what I remembered right away. I took my computer, turned it on, and before starting, I addressed Christ: “Listen, I really want to record this for posterity, but I don’t know if it’s worth doing. Please, just turn off the computer if it’s not necessary. You often correct me like this)). I will stop and not return to it again.” Having mentally uttered this, I began to write down everything that was in my memory. The computer worked as it should, I quickly wrote everything down and reached the end.
As soon as I finished the last sentence and put a full stop after it, the monitor flickered and the computer turned off!))) I laughed cheerfully and went to sleep)).

Now about why all this was needed and what the meaning of what happened is.
On the second day after the meditation, I suddenly noticed that I feel Christ very differently and I address Him. Very directly and easily, without barriers.
Saint Ignatius in the Spiritual Exercises wrote that one should converse with Christ as a friend speaks to another and ask for advice in everything (SE 54). Indeed, I have long accepted this very valuable recommendation, and it greatly helps in prayer. But still, I have not fully embraced it. To make it clearer, let me give an example.

Imagine that some time ago you met and became friends with a person. And it turned out that this person is very powerful, like the president of a strong and large country or a large corporation. Your friendship has strengthened over time, and now you communicate and you trust him completely, but being aware of his power and social position, you maintain some distance, through the lens of rules of propriety, etc. And suddenly, one day, a situation arises in which he begins to fool around with you, playing like with a child and joking)). After this, your attitude towards him will become much more immediate, without boundaries and conventions, right? Nevertheless, this will not diminish your respect for him or recognition of his power and merits in the slightest.

Exactly such a situation occurred with me – in this incomprehensible playfulness, the barriers were erased. And I believe this is a very, very important change that further removes conventions and encourages joy. It becomes easier to hear and understand. It becomes easier to reach out. Each time you notice Him, it becomes easier to rejoice in His presence. Just as easy as when you rejoice at the sight of your good friend, noticing him in the distance on the street. Accepting everything from Him becomes much easier. One can genuinely marvel, joke, and play with circumstances. In a word, the quality of communication is entirely new.
I deeply pondered whether this could be harmful, and I concluded that it is hardly likely, as it is impossible to forget that before you is the Lord and Creator))).