The Vow

Spiritual Exercises 91–98

After contemplating the journeys of Jesus and His sermons, I imagine "a certain human king" and recognise in him the crowned Aragorn, to whom everyone bows — humans, dwarves, elves — and all look upon him with reverence. That is not hard to see; Aragorn has always stirred exactly such feelings in me.

And it is quite easy for him to become Jesus; I am surprised at the resemblance in their appearance and that it never occurred to me before.

When I imagine Him delivering His speech, at the words about sharing with Him a way of life — to eat and drink the same, to rest or not — I am overwhelmed by a kind of childlike delight. At the phrase "you must labour with Me", flowers blossom in my soul, and images begin to come of how He and I do something together, something simple one does on a journey — light a fire, prepare food.

Then the visualization seems to falter; I try to tune in and after a while I realise I am seeing an endless snow‑covered field from above, and a solitary snowmobile travelling across it. I feel myself at its controls and understand that I am riding and riding and do not know where to. There are no landmarks, no signs, no tracks, no trees. Nothing. Beneath the snow stones occasionally lie hidden, and I run over them, almost falling. I reflect on what this image means — movement across boundless space without bearings and with hidden obstacles. Some kind of compass is needed.

And then I remember our evening conversation with Yura and Ruslan; we discussed that movement of the soul that leads us to Him, which is felt as a certain pull that grows stronger or weaker, then flares up again. A drawing towards Him.

To this drawing joined a feeling of rapture, love for my Purpose and gratitude to Him that He arranged it all so — to give us the task of doing what we most love. And the third ingredient was that hard‑to‑describe sense of inner serenity that came to me as soon as the anxieties left. Here is my compass — the Draw towards Him, the Purpose for Him, and Serenity.

I lost the sense that I was travelling aimlessly; no, somewhere they are waiting for me at home, and it is warm there, and they put the kettle on and glance out the window to see whether I am coming.

This whole earthly Path is a return home.
Home is where You are.
Home is within me, inside me.
And You hold the key.

***
I see a sea of a very beautiful blue and a steep shore where pines grow, and the sun through the trees. I see myself kneeling on that shore and Him before me.

I look up at Him from below — He is barefoot, in a long simple garment down to His feet, the wind tossing it.
On His head a simple, thin, very graceful crown, from which a gentle radiance emanates.

I feel happiness.

I tell Him that I will go with Him to the very end.

It seems to me that this decision was made long ago and He knows it, but now — this is a true vow.

As if from the outside I see how we stand embraced in this fabulously beautiful place, and music plays, as though it were a frame from a film.

A film with a happy ending.