Flies and Intentions

Krakow
27.08.2023 15:19

Today, I felt a strong desire to meditate during the day, not in the morning or evening, but simply to be with Christ in the middle of the day, wholly surrendering to Him. The family went for a nap, and I took advantage of this time.

As a preface, I will say that over the past month, I have acutely felt that I am heading in the wrong direction and doing everything incorrectly. Everything seems normal and outwardly fine. But it seemed to me that something was wrong with the application of my efforts, that there are qualities embedded in me that could better reveal my purpose or bring more benefit. I tried to focus on them.

I began the exercise, read the Gospel, and it did not stir any movements in me, except one – a recollection of the Diary of Saint Sister Faustina Kowalska, which I had never read before. I quickly found it online and started reading. Having read to the point where He explained to her that He does not demand sacrifices, but humility, I noticed that through the open roof window, a large fly flew into the room and, trying to fly out, began to beat against the glass of the adjacent closed window.

I continued reading, reaching the advice of one of Sister Faustina's confessors: “Strive to make everyone who meets you leave happier. Spread the fragrance of happiness around you, for you have received much from God, and therefore give much to others. Let everyone leave you happy, even if they only touch the hem of your garment.” I began to ponder how one can leave people happier after a meeting. Such strong awareness is needed. I recalled the words of Fr. Victor at the end of last year's retreat about how much was given, but also that much will be asked in return.

The fly began to beat against the glass louder and more persistently.

I turned my attention to it.

Still, during meditations, He speaks to me through the language of events. So I smiled and asked, “Alright, what do You want to show me with its help?”

Looking at the window, I thought, “How am I like this fly? I make the same movements, trying to develop something, to benefit the world, and beyond the glass, the image of this benefit and result seems crystal clear, I continue to make efforts to get there, but it’s as if I’m standing still. And what is nearby? Nearby is an open window, and not just one. It is so easy to fly out there, applying the same efforts. What am I doing wrong? What is the window in Your image today?”

Unexpectedly, the fly froze. 

I reached for a pen to write down these thoughts, but I felt such a sharp pain in my right shoulder, as happens when you turn awkwardly, that I understood that it was not worth writing anything now and froze:). 

He still “speaks” to me through the body, often with more subtle sensations and not pain)). I immediately understood that He was about to show something important and sharpened all my perception. Laughing, I said, “Alright, I’ve put the pen aside, I’m not writing anything, but what should I do next?”

Some time passed, there was no answer. I reached for the mouse to unlock the sleeping laptop, on which Sister Faustina's diary was open, but the monitor flickered and went out. I tried the keyboard, the touchpad – no reaction, the computer just froze. 

I laughed again and realized that He was asking me to shift my attention back to the fly and continue the reflections. I love these moments of direct communication. It seems the heart will never get used to this joy.

I turned and saw it beating against the glass again. Then everything happened very quickly, a stream of thoughts flashed like an insight: “What is it, these windows?.. Obviously, like the fly, I am unable to see the bigger picture from the outside and cannot even realize the presence of the glass… But You can. Stop! You can and see everything, so I must turn to You. Alright, I’m turning, please show me, what is my glass? Ah, I got it! Thank you! The closed window and its glass are the wrong intention! The fly is doing the same actions directing them the wrong way! The wrong direction of the same actions, the same projects! Hence the suffering and doubts. Open windows are any intention to do something for Your Glory, to serve You! Exactly! It’s not so important what qualities I implement and where, what matters is with what intention! Then You will take care of the results, obviously, I don’t see the whole picture. I completely forgot, You showed me this at the very end of the retreat in Novogrudok!”

The fly immediately fell silent.

A thought flashed in my mind, “So, if it now turns and flies out the open window, then I understood Your lesson today correctly.”

And then (and this is an amazing and magical moment – to consciously observe the inevitability of His presence, when you can no longer tell yourself that it’s all made up or you imagined it), the fly instantly flew to the middle of the room and, with a run, flew out the open window!

Tears welled up in my eyes through laughter, I knelt before the open window and bowed to the ground. I believe we are given immeasurably much. To feel even one such moment of joy in His presence is immeasurable happiness, but when a worthless fool is led by the hand for a whole year, despite all the wild infidelity – it is beyond my parental understanding.

When I got up and looked at the window, the fly was sitting on the edge of the window frame. As if it returned to see the effect of this performance, and He seemed to stand slightly to the side and laughed with me))). A moment later, the fly flew out into the street.

I returned to the table and looked at my diary, at the beginning of the meditation there was a request, which I had so quickly forgotten: “for calmness and orderliness of thoughts, feelings, and intentions in what I am doing now.” 

A new wave of joyful laughter from the realization of infinitely patient parental care burst out of me.

In my head, once again flashed: “Amazing! Your goodness knows no bounds, and my soul is worse than an animal, and even to teach me something, You have to constantly hit my hands and guide me. You really are the King of Second Chances. And, of course, the King of Humour.”

My thoughts became very light and clear, and it became completely clear why it seemed that I was doing “something wrong.” Attention should not be directed at oneself and not at how exactly to use abilities and qualities, or what the results or effects will be (hello, egoism), but at the intention to do everything for His Glory. And already subordinating all actions to this intention, one must go towards the goal. Then He will take care of the results and adjustments along the way like no one else. It is so obvious, but so easily forgotten.