That Which I Never Lost

Luke 9:23-25 ("If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me")

I see myself on the flat roof of some building with a small parapet. Jesus stands beside me.

Before our eyes, a city buzzes, moves, and bursts with various colours, living life to the fullest. It's hard to determine the country and era, but it's quite warm here, and the inhabitants travel by horse rather than car.

I watch the people for quite some time: what initially seems like hustle and chaos begins to take on features of wholeness and coherence. It's as if all situations—good and evil, funny and tragic, ordinary and extraordinary—form one large beautiful pattern, where every small, seemingly insignificant event is important.

Suddenly, a phrase gently enters my mind:

Can you help them if you fear them?

Bullseye. It's easy and pleasant to observe people from the roof; I see them, but they don't see me, very convenient. But I am afraid of them, yes, and at the same time, I very much want to be there with them, in their bustling life.

Jesus suddenly stands behind me, and a bright beam of light, like from a spotlight, pierces through me. This beam illuminates everything I turn towards. It's an indescribable feeling; at this moment, I first feel and realise—the source of light is not within me. It is behind me. In Him.

And I receive another phrase, from which tears begin to flow from my eyes:

You do not need to seek That Which you never lost.

(And to this day, this quote lives on my desk, and I read it every day.)

I write in my notebook:

Other people approve or disapprove only of themselves.

The light that shines through me is directed by my attention. Attention is a mighty force, for which many strive.

By directing attention to others' approval, I give power to enemies.

I can direct my attention to myself, to the world around me, to other people, to everything that is genuinely interesting.

Through every person, light passes; it is important to see it.