Anxieties

The following meditations of the first week are about Cain and Abel and David with Uriah. I remember that visualising the passages themselves comes quite easily to me, I see a vivid picture, and I do not always like it. For example, I somehow very often witness the moment of Abel's murder extremely realistically - the field, Cain striking his brother on the head with a large grey sharp stone, the terrible sound of the blow, the fall. Again and again.

I live through the story of David and his betrayal. In these meditations, I write many questions in my notebook and very rarely answers.

The hardest part for me is communicating with Christ at the end of the meditation. I am very afraid of Him. I feel excruciatingly ashamed, and at the same time, terribly scared. It's hard to say exactly what I fear, probably His wrath for my unrighteous life, and that He will not accept me as I am, will turn away.

In those days, meditation is a small part of my life, a little over an hour daily, my attention is occupied by the problems of everyday life. I am overwhelmed at work, where I can't manage anything on time, my daughter demands attention, numerous tasks related to processing various documents press on me from all sides, forcing me to tear myself between work tasks, motherhood, and waiting in bank queues. My two favourite schools of human studies - astrological and Apeiron - also demand my attention. My almost constant states are panic and despair.

I make numerous plans about how I will move abroad, I am simply obsessed with this idea. It hinges on success at work, and it's not going well, and so on, the same thoughts in a circle. I write to Yura:

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#letterToYura

This is a very difficult week. Not even in the meditations, but in what is between them)

I have already found quite a few sins, but I cannot say that it caused me much pain. Rather, I feel sympathy.

The main theme of the week so far is fear. I sin, and I have sinned out of fear, and only that. And so much of it has piled on me this week, out of nowhere) Everything seems more or less as always, and I'm going crazy)

I found the roots of this. I do not know how to live in today. All my thoughts are about a happy or terrible tomorrow. Behind this, there is clearly another layer, there is a reason why, even understanding this, I cannot control my attention. I really want to be calm and confident, to be able to hold my subject, my attention. But this week I seem to have gone back 5 years)) As if all the successes have been reset and I am just a panicking atom in a vast universe.

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The concluding meditation of the week is Psalm 50. In despair and with the first timid hope, I write in my notebook:

Purity and Truth lead to joy and happiness.

Lord, I want to hear You laugh within me!

I am Goodness - this is the Truth of my heart. I want this world to become kinder because of me.

If you come to You honestly, You will always accept.