Walks

Mark 1:16-20

And Jesus said to them, "Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men."

#letterToYura

Last night, realising that I had been sitting for a long time mentally arguing with my mother, imagining how she would react to my job loss, seeing how angry and indignant I was, how much aggression was boiling within me and causing pain, I prayed for Him to help me become strong and not depend on the opinions or influences of others, even those closest to me. This was a few hours before meditation.

I began to visualise the passage with the fishermen. I saw myself on the shore: a small wave lapped at the gentle beach and in my mind, I heard the music from the cartoon "The Girl and the Dolphin." It seemed inappropriate and distracting, but I couldn't remove it. I saw Him beside me, and He immediately took my hand. I was immediately attacked by spirits of doubt - is He really going to take me by the hand like this? I tried to pull my hand away or see the picture differently - it was futile) So, it must be right. I went with Him.

— Do not be afraid.

I felt ashamed. Indeed, after yesterday, I was a bit frightened. I tried to trust and calm myself.

We walked along the shore, and a thought rushed through me - is He really going to call them like this, with me?? Yes, just like that))

It was amusing when He said, "I will make you fishers of men," holding my hand - as if to say, look - I've caught one))) and you will catch one too)))

I remembered the expressions on the fishermen's faces as they looked at Him - curiosity, reverence, light.

Perhaps this happened because of Andrew, but suddenly one of my all-time favourite songs played in my head, a song I loved long before I came to God:

"From the shore, the apostle Andrew fished, while the Saviour walked on the water

And Andrew pulled minnows from the water, while the Saviour saved lost souls"

We walked a little to this song, and the place began to change.

This time, the change of locations was slow; I didn't immediately manage to transition, unlike the previous time when I was tossed about like a twig)

We sat on a log by the fire on a very dark night. Nothing was visible around. Then, upon closer inspection, I noticed that the night was retreating, becoming dark grey-blue. I said:

— It seems to be getting light.

He took my hand and led me. It was getting brighter, and I saw a faint outline of a river ahead. And I immediately understood everything.

— No wayyyyyyyyy. It can't be.

He walked a couple of metres into the river and turned to me expectantly.

For me, walking on water had always been a sign of Holiness, something to be earned, perhaps because of the song about the fisherman, I don't know. I was formed among atheists; I know nothing about this, only feel.

I tried to step forward and immediately soaked my foot.

Well, of course. No need to try. Just walk. Like yesterday, over the sea. I walked there completely calmly, but I didn't even pay attention to it; I was not focused on that. I remembered my feelings. A certain indescribable confidence came over me, and I calmly walked right over the water. Yes, just like yesterday, nothing complicated! I walked around Him, jumped in place. Well? He stood there waiting for something.

So) What am I learning?)

I stand on the water because I know I can. I know, I believe that it is possible.

In what matters do I lack faith?

In the main ones. I do not truly believe that I can help people, that I can sing or play an instrument, or draw, that I can be independent of the opinions of those close to me, that I can fully and completely trust You.

— How are trust and humility connected?

Good question) I feel like this right now:

Trust is when I rely on the fact that my True Good is more important to You than anything else.

And Humility helps me not to interfere with being led to that Good.

I approached Him, He took my hands and lifted me about five metres up. And smoothly rose up after me.

Well yes, it was higher, but that doesn't change anything, does it? The mechanism of walking is the same; here I am walking... but what is it really?

What do I rely on when I walk on water or in the air? On Your experience - I see how You walk. On Your faith in me.

Yes, but that's not quite it, not quite... I walked in circles, I imagined steps before me and either climbed them or descended, I mumbled to myself, I felt that some important thought was hanging on the edge of my consciousness and wouldn’t come. I was probably like Winnie-the-Pooh at that moment, walking through the forest and mumbling his little rhymes) I felt Him smiling.

Stop. I do not allow doubts. There it is. I simply do not think about failure; it is not in my intention, only calm confidence.

I do not allow thoughts of my failure. And I succeed.

We stood very high above the ground, almost at the edge of space; I saw the outlines of the continent below. Yes, I am afraid of heights, but not now. It doesn't matter how many metres to the ground. I imagined a skipping rope in my hands and began to jump over it - forward, backward, on one leg, on the other. Then I said:

— Look.

I took the skipping rope in my right hand, stretched it out to the side and opened my fingers. The skipping rope flew down. I remained standing still.

Everything blurred, and we smoothly transitioned to a new place.

Cold, a narrow bristly peak of a mountain ridge, almost nothing is visible due to the dreadful blizzard. He walks ahead of me. I am barefoot. He took my shoes off!))

Walking barefoot on sharp stones dusted with snow is something) And then I thought: why am I doing this? And calmly walked over them) Then I mentally created an impenetrable cocoon around myself, and the blizzard retreated a couple of metres from me. And I warmed myself, also by the power of thought. Then I wanted to warm Him, but felt that it wasn't working.

So, I can prevent what I consider hostile, unpleasant, or undesirable from touching me. I can choose how to walk - crippling my feet on the stones or stepping evenly, not touching them.

He approached me and found himself in my warm bubble without snow. The snow melted on the tips of His hair. And I realised that I can only warm someone who has come to warm themselves.

The time for meditation was coming to an end, and I asked:

— Let's say goodbye not here, okay?

We found ourselves by the fire. It started to rain; I approached Him and opened an invisible umbrella over us. We stood like that, embracing, and I spoke all my gratitude into His chest. Then I kissed Him on the chin (I am shorter than Him) and returned from meditation.

And only then did I realise that He had given me exactly what I had asked for.

Incredible. ❤️