That Very Night

Luke 4:14-20

They handed Him the scroll of the prophet Isaiah, He unrolled it and found the place where it was written:

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to proclaim Good News to the poor. He has sent Me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners, recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favour.”

#letterToYura

I am describing everything I saw in the meditation immediately after it, hoping to miss as little as possible.

I want to send you all this right now, at night (I hope your notifications are off and I won't wake you), because all of this is so incredible that, perhaps, I won't dare tomorrow?

During the preparation, when I needed to feel my presence, I focused on my heartbeat, and suddenly I was pierced by the thought that it beats in time with that vibrating wave I read about today in your meditation, and that it goes through me and I pulse along with it, and it beats only because He exists and He wills it. At that moment, I felt His bodiless presence very strongly, as I had never been able to before.

I began to visualise the passage. It was difficult, I found it hard to imagine the synagogue, but I saw Jesus inside among the people, He was reading something from a book, and such a gracious energy emanated from Him that I was enveloped in warmth and a certain excitement.

Then I saw the steps of the building, columns, He was sitting by one of them and talking to people who sat around - on the steps, and under the roof on the columns, it was sunny and warm around. Children were running and laughing, He was smiling. I sat a little way off and tried to look at Him, but it was difficult, He was blurry.

And suddenly, quite unexpectedly, He raised His head and looked straight into my eyes.

The ground went out from under me, my heart raced, my head began to spin, it was the first time I felt a reaction in my physical body, and such a powerful one at that.

I tried to look Him in the eyes, but I couldn't, everything was floating. Then I began to speak with Him.

- I'm a little scared, I'm anxious. What should I do? Look into Your eyes?

He didn't answer, but suddenly I felt rather than saw His face before mine.

I tried very hard to see His eyes, but I couldn't, and then the scene changed.

I realised we were in a boat, He was sitting opposite me. Night, a raging ocean, a sky full of stars. A storm, huge waves, the boat was rushing up, almost vertically, then steeply down. I grabbed the sides, but noticing that He was sitting completely calmly, with His hands on His knees, I forced myself to let go and tried to relax. He's with me) For a while I closed my eyes and just felt this sliding - up and down, up and down, the turns of the boat. If you don't tense up, it's not so scary. Okay, we're not afraid.

The boat climbed another wave and suddenly rushed down, into a deep and simply huge whirlpool. I held onto nothing and sat calmly, wondering what awaited us below. We fell for an indeterminate amount of time, it was impossible to feel time at all. And suddenly at the very bottom, we were carried up in a spiral, and I suddenly realised that there was no boat anymore, that we were hovering over this abyss, He and I opposite each other! At first, I gave way to emotions, my shock, this is impossible, incredible! Then I saw that He was no longer hovering, but standing calmly, and I also realised that I could stand. I said:

- Alright. This isn't just an attraction, I must understand what You want to convey to me.

I started looking down, the whirlpool was before us, we were on the opposite side from where we fell. I saw beyond the whirlpool a raging sea and boats. Many boats! Big, small, whole ships. Some were lit with lights, others sailed in darkness. The waves tossed them and I heard people screaming. It was frightening. But the scariest thing was that they were drowning there, in the whirlpool, disappearing in the spray of water. I asked:

- What will happen to them? Where are they going now? Why are they drowning, and we didn't???

He was silent. I started looking further, although I really didn't want to see all this. It was unbearable to watch this nightmare and I started looking around. And I saw that we were not the only ones hovering over the sea! There's a person, and another, and another! They were visible faintly, and then began to dissolve and fly away somewhere upwards as sparkling stars. Many stars flashed, twinkled in the distance. I looked at the waves again and saw (it was as if I could zoom in and see closely what was very far away) that there were boats where no one was screaming and people were sitting calmly and even doing something there!

- Of course! Those who are drowning don't believe! That's all! They don't remember You and that's why they're so scared! After all, when we were sailing, nothing bad happened to us, just movement, you could have calmly read a book! But what will happen to them? They might just not know this!

- They have their own path.

- I'm a little scared. I'm not afraid of You, I don't even know what exactly. I want to come to You, to touch. May I?

I approached and He embraced me by the shoulders. We stood like that and looked at the sea, and suddenly I clearly understood how powerful the element of our life is, how much greater than us is that in which we live, how frightening it is to live without humility and how foolish.

And then I noticed that someone was not just calm, but also enjoying it! A sailing boat was going over the waves as if cheerfully, I saw the captain at the helm, I didn't hear, but I could swear, he was even whistling there) And on the crests of the wave, he steered slightly and glided over them. Wow! I saw myself at that helm (sailing a boat is my long-standing dream) and also tried to steer, the wind, the spray in my face, it was great, I got carried away.

And then the boat was thrown onto a sandy shore. Gravity descended upon me, only now did I feel that it wasn't there, my body filled with lead, I felt how it pressed me to the ground. Earth! Everything stopped rocking and became static, viscous, heavy. I tried to see where I was.

The ground was hard, but it was covered with a layer of almost white sand. The wind carried it across a vast plain without end. A light, light yellow, blinding sun hung over the horizon. I walked from the boat towards it. With each step, it became harder to walk, the sun seemed to grow larger, filled everything, I was blinded and could see nothing due to the unbearable light, due to the sand that got into my eyes, I fell to my knees and hands. My strength was leaving me, I felt faint. I remembered Him. You are here with me, even though I don't see You. I remembered the vibrating wave in my heart, that everything is permeated with it and I managed to stand. I must go, but where? Nothing can be seen, but something must be done? And I remembered the thought of the past day - what is given to me, that is my service to Him.

- But surely something is given to me???

I saw a tree in the distance, unclear if it was dry or alive, too far away. I walked towards it, I tried to straighten up and walk lightly.

And suddenly I bumped into it with my hands. I touched the wrinkled bark under my palms and raised my head. High above me, a green crown rustled and sunbeams slid through the leaves. I sank to the ground in exhaustion, leaning against the trunk. I blinked. Around was green grass and other trees. A serene summer day.

I sat in some kind of stupor. I realised that to regain strength, I needed to remember the service. It worked) I said:

- I don't see You. Will You appear? Or will everything be like this today, without tangibility?

I got up and took a few steps forward. He appeared about five metres from me and stood, invitingly opening His arms. I rushed to His neck. He caught me, held me and took me in His arms! And walked! He carried me through some bushes and came out onto a sunlit path, leading somewhere into the distance. He walked so easily, as if I weighed nothing. I enjoyed the moment)

- That's it! If you remember You and see what is given, you can ride right in Your arms!)

I realised I wanted to walk. I got off His arms, and holding hands and swinging them, we walked easily together along the road.

And I remembered the time. How much of it has passed? Half an hour? Two hours?

I opened my eyes and looked at the clock: I was in meditation for 1 hour and 10 minutes.

I sat on my bed, an open notebook with a completely blank page lay on my lap. For the first time, I hadn't made a single note. Of course! What notebook, was it up to me! But I must write everything down! Now!

I addressed Him to myself:

- I want to tell all this, I will go to write, and if I shouldn't do this, give me a sign.

And here I am, at the laptop, and it seems I managed to transfer all this into text.

Yura. Oh, Yura)

This night letter became my first recorded meditation. A few letters later, the idea came to me to turn my experience into a blog-diary of the Exercises. I wrote this diary in a Telegram public, the name of which also came by itself: Two in a boat.